The Timelessness of Pain

Though this blog was horribly out of date, my previous post is still current. That old ache, the never-ending desire of my heart, to know and be known, is still top on my list of things to wish done. And yet, I cannot force it into being. All the effort, the emotion, the heart, the will, the desire, and the prayer cannot change the stark reality that most often, life is nothing but a never-ending drive to end that hunger.

The thing I find most amazing is that no one--not one single human on the planet--is exempt from this set of desires. So you'd think, then, that we'd all be ready and willing to help each other (and ourselves) along the way. But we don't. In our relationships, instead we:

• hide our feelings
• obscure the truth
• lie
• let fear rule our actions
• make excuses
• and deliberately hurt others . . . 

. . . all in the name of self-preservation. And why? It's not like the "self" we're trying to preserve is worth saving. I personally would love to dump the Karen-baggage that--just today--has made me want to put my fist through every window in the house, and into the flesh of a few fellow humans. It's not like I cherish that crap.

But today, instead, I have:

• complained to the wrong person
• doubted my legitimate feelings
• made myself vulnerable for no good cause
• allowed a kind of despair to run my life
• almost given up on who I am

That's no way to live. But because I feel summarily dismissed and discounted as a worthwhile person due to a financial situation beyond my control and a relationship that refuses to conform to my wishes, well, that's how it is. Just how it is.

Back a few posts ago, I complained that God should yank the re-wiring job He finally did on me when it comes to appreciating men and learning how to love women in the right way. I've been diligently trying to apply hope in this area, but I have to confess I am at my wits' end on the reasons He made men and women so different. Men love sympathy, but can rarely give it back; men hold back their inner most thoughts and prefer to just sit in their own black stew until . . . until what? Men do not really have the patience to hear a woman out on any issue. And men are notoriously fickle, especially in close proximity to other beautiful women.

You know, this would have been bad enough, but then He had to drop us into a world so sin-prone we cannot ever see anything else. And it's not like we could look Him square in the face, either--we'd die. So we're stuck with the ugly human scenery we have and the barren inner landscapes of each others' hearts. And now that I can FEEL something about the other half of humanity He made, now I long for a way out. I want to be numbed to this particular pain. I want to know why this is the reward for my labor, how long it will be like this, and whether or not the emotional carnage is worth the effort. In the end, what will I have to show for the wait?

Of course, there are no guarantees in this life. The answer could be a resounding "NOTHING!" And yet, I'll hang my heart out to dry one more time in hopes that someday, somewhere, I will be vindicated. Not venerated. Just loved, known, and understood in spite of who I am.